i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
