She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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