i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
