Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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