Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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