It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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