you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
