there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
