Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
