Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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