That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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