He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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