flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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