sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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