My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
