Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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