hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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