i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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