I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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