i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
