just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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