you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
