if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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