So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
