I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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