Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
