Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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