ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
