I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
