He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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