he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
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I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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