having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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