Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
