I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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