God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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