he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
