I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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