I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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