Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
