I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
