Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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