I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
