it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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