Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
