guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
