Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the day after is always just damage control
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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