I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I am midnight drunk by noon
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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