I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
did i walk over a car last night?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
