i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
