the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
