i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
