If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
