I think I died a long time ago.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
