I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
